Rambling long overdue. | Blokatt

Rambling long overdue.

Hello friends (and possibly enemies).

Some of you might have noticed that things have been a bit quiet around here lately, which is pretty much the opposite of what my last post hinted at. Needless to say, that’s not what I’d originally planned. To put it shortly, I’ve been busy. Amongst other things. Sorta.

As previously mentioned on Twitter, three months ago, I joined the amazing folks over at SCS Software as a junior programmer. While the beginnings were a bit rough (custom tech and C++, need I say more?), quite a bit of progress has been made since then, so it looks like they’re gonna have to put up with me for a while. Now, not only is this my first full-time job, it’s my first job (yes, really). Quite the leap from barely studying/doing whatever. But, for the number of mistakes I’ve managed to make during my 22 years on Earth, things seem to have turned out better than I’d ever really deserved. For myself, and my high school diploma. Wish me luck.
(Or don’t, if you’re one of those aforementioned enemies of mine.)

With that out of the way, I don’t think it comes as a surprise to anyone that I haven’t really been doing much else. Had a lot of stuff on my mind lately. And to be perfectly honest, I can’t say for sure I know what the near future holds for me as far as my personal work goes. It’s not an easy thing for one to admit, but I think my creative spark is, and has been, gone for a while. The search is underway, however. There are a lot of things that I still want to make and I don’t think that’ll change any time soon, but currently, even typing this out feels like a chore. Just not really feeling it anymore, as they say. Is there any point to making things if you don’t find the process fun? Should I wait until this sorts itself out? Should I just try anyway? Can’t say I know the answer to that, but what I do know is that a couple years ago, games development was something that I was really into, and now, a number of unfinished projects later, that’s just no longer true. After I’d stopped doing game jams two years or so ago, I realised that validation just isn’t something I wanna be in this for. What I’ve always believed is that creating art primarily for your own consumption, even if you’re the only person that ever gets a chance to see it, is possibly the best place to be in as an artist. That’s passion in its purest form, and I think anyone who’s ever had the drive to start expressing themselves through art knows what that feels like. Or, in my case, what it used to feel like. Most of my best work remains unreleased to this day, and it bothers me that this bothers me so much.
It’s all my own fault, but I remain hopeful.

'Old Man Yells at Grid'

Sometimes I wish I could just start over, anonymously, completely detached from my work. For the sake of my fragile ego. But if I did that, I’d lose one of the few remaining ways I have of dealing with my insecurities. This mental thing, whatever it is, seems to be really hard to figure out. So yeah, something may or may not happen. I’ll probably just buy another synth and never do anything with it. Don’t get your hopes up, but do stay tuned.

Other than that, I’m doing okay. So far I prefer working to studying. My weekends are actually fun now.

Hope this was at least somewhat comprehensible.
If you still believe that I still care, thanks.

- Jan

P.S. I didn’t really mean the chore part. Also, SW-3935-9262-6895.